It is well over a year since our little baby girl was conceived one autumn night in April, 1993. She is our eighth child. She would not have been here if I had not had the sterilization clips removed from my fallopian tubes, and the tubes rejoined to allow the sperm and egg to meet so miraculously. I had been sterilized for four years.
The truth is, having babies is hard work. It’s time-consuming and it’s tiring. But having them does something beautiful to you.
Being sterile made me feel useless, powerless, regretful, and full of grief. Being sterile was like being barren, but worse, because it was self-inflected. The faint hope that it could be reversed was forever before me. I acted on the leading of the Lord. He gave me a desire for a baby girl, a deliriously strong desire.
My faith was soaring. I knew that as soon as my husband said “Yes” to the operation it was as good as done. I was so sure of having my little baby girl. I knew exactly what I was doing. I also understood everything involved with bringing a baby into the family. I expected criticism and got it. I expected others wouldn’t understand and they didn’t.
However, the way the doctors co-operated with my wishes was confirmation that the Lord was in it. Within two months of my initial visit to the doctor I had the operation. I am thankful that I appeared to them as a person with a sound mind. The Lord also undertook as far as payments were concerned and we never let that be a barrier.
I’m sure you know, for it tempts every woman in this anti-baby age. I was swayed by this popular opinion. I was deceived, and allowed myself to be robbed of the very essence of my identity – the ability to be a mother, to bear fruit and to manifest God’s purpose – all in favor of some so-called superior lifestyle!
But the barren lifestyle was not joyous to me, not even after years of continuous pregnancy and breastfeeding. Time to myself was not satisfying, but led to selfishness. Freedom to go out did not edify, but was a diversion from my first priority – being home for the family. A new baby at home was not an encumbrance to the older children, but an opportunity to learn about her needs and development.
There’s a certain fear that grips us all, that we would be unable to cope with more children, even to the verge of a nervous breakdown. No such thing!
While the initial stretch may be a little uncomfortable, once you are over that, you’ve already done some growing and any more additions are embraced with no panic of alarm. Others comment that they are amazed that I can stay so calm amongst all the happenings of everyday family life.
It’s the greatest way for the Holy Spirit to refine your nature. He will take that raging, boiling, steaming, clamorous woman and keep her on a slow, constant, simmering level of gentle love. That’s what having a lot of children has done for me. That’s why it was worse not having a little child around me. I became much too hectic and harsh, more so in those years when I never had a baby than all the years with one.
I now feel that I have received a ‘promotion’ in my career as a wife and mother. It’s not just studying our of books – it’s my whole heart that I put into my job.
I look out across the spread of the world’s offerings and I can’t find anything so great and profound anywhere in society as picking up my crying, hungry baby and sustaining her very life with milk form my own breasts.
Not for one moment have I regretted having the reversal. I will forever be thankful to the Lord for allowing me to once again bear a child, and I will always give Him the glory. It is He who promises that children are a reward from Him. His word is true because that’s exactly how I have found it to be.
Gisborne, New Zealand.